Insanity

hi, i just wanted to get your attention for a few minutes.

i know you maybe doing something and i just wanted to say a few things. 

first off am sorry. i should have never tried to change you or make you like me, or what ever may be and i never meant to hurt you in anyway… but these past few months i have not found the right words to say, so am just going to put everything on the table. your my best friend or were, i don’t where we stand right now. but i miss you a lot. i know you maybe thing “he’s just saying that cause he’s lonely” and that is somewhat true. but i have never really apologized for people want to leave me. i know am bitch am a hand full i have never had friends for too long because i have never meet anyone who cares like i do and plus am hard to understand.. and i am clingy, but that because i care when i message you lets hang out or lets talk, its cause you make me really happy. i am clingy but it always comes from a good place, it because i really care. but i miss talking about stupid shit, or really important things and i dont know if you have ever felt that way about someone but this is how i feel about you. i miss you and jessica talking about crap. and i know you think am just saying this, but i mean everything. and i know that most guys to talk about how they feel or cry about people.. but then again am not most guys. i mean everything i say am a little over emotional. i care a lot about everything, i also over think just saying hello to people.i just wanted to get my feelings out there, i know your not a very feeling type person and that’s ok. i should never have tried to change you. but there was no reason for you to have taken my heart and destroy it with a fucking hammer. and i feel when everyone started high school. i felt like you forgot about me we would talk less and fight more. and i understand that i am not your only friend, but at  least 1% of your time would make me happy. and i mean in high school is a big time in are lives, i mean look your playing sports now! i understand change is good but i miss when we would just talk about whatever and hang and go to the mall and watch a movie. i miss that or when stay up and talk and everything else i would take the bad to have the good again. just to have you again.. i hope we can work this out and move on. sorry if i was not good enough but i tried to be.

so i guess that’s it, i also understand if you never want to talk again. but please tell me you don’t want to be friends, or you maybe want to try and fix this. i also understand if you don’t message me back a soon as you read this.

I was rereading all the messages, posts.. I don’t know why I did that… But I just.. I really dont hink its fair that you get to be happy while am always sad. I remember the first day we met, well when we first started talking… We spent the night on MSN talking about the sims, and games like FarmVille… You also gave black play-doh… And I gave you a little of my hot coco cream the next day… We became friends so quick. And every time we spoke it was like.. I really don’t know to discribe it was like magic, you were the perfect listener. You made me feel important no one ever made me feel that way, before.. People used to say they were my “friend” and they ended up back stabing me. But I would get up and keep going. But this time am hung up. I really don’t understand it makes not sense… Then again I thought we last longer you were everything, you were perfect, you were my world. I know am only 15 but I thought we would be friends till we like 80 or something. You saved me from myself. You made me feel things I have never felt before. And saying this hurts, IT WAS MY FAULT ALL OF IT. Because of my stupid heart, and falling in love with you. And yah I know I was not the guy you liked… Hell at this point i give up on friends, love and anything else I have no trust in the world and with in my self. I was stupid for thinking you are any one else world ever want to go out with me. So Am sorry.

But I wish you the best.

shake it out.

am tired of carrying regret, it feels like am dragging a dead horse, and its time to put it in the ground with or without you. i can never leave the past behind… i need to move on for me, i was happy with you but i was never really happy? i don’t think so i spent so much time crying and trying to rebuild something that was messed up from the start. yes the time was wonderful you had to be the best person i had ever meet. you made me feel love. at least from a friend stand point, i had not felt that in a long time. so thank you. but you broke me and so many ways and i don’t think this time am going to be able to fix it easily. so tonight i am going to cut out this broken heart and restart. i gave you everything, mostly love, love is the best thing you could give a friend. the friend ship was nice but i left me so undone. i have been a fool and i have been left behind. but this was such a mistake. i have to let go before i go on a path of self destruction. to me it felt you ripped you heart out and got a new one, well my is broken, but you know what a heart has to be broken to let the light in. am going to shake it out, let everything go. but it hard when every demon wants a part of my flesh. but if it takes time, i have time a lot of it, next time you see me you will see a stronger person not the broken shell of a person you left behind. am going to be ten times better. stronger, confident, and most of all not going to fall for some like you, a bitch.

so good day, good night… i forgave you so i can take the power and move on. so i can live and be a better person.

From, Dereck G

to, E.

Good night my dead horse.